Oral Histories: Ricky

From young I was always… I don’t know…I feel like I was getting judged a bad one, I feel like I was always getting caught for something, yeah I did do, but there was a start to it, you get what I mean? So it’s like… someone threw a paper at me, so I threw it back at them. But it’s like “well we saw you throw it!” so I can’t even deny it. So I was always getting in trouble. And then, I’d be in class and someone would say “s—k your mum!” I’ll have a fight ‘cause I’m passionate about my mum. Remember i didn’t live with my mum for a long time for so long so when I see her it’s like… If anyone insults her, I’m a boy innit so I’m gonna defend my mum’s name. You get it?

In African culture or probably even in your culture that’s an insult, that’s personal. I don’t mind if you insult me but you don’t need to bring my mum into it, so I feel that’s where it started I had to defend myself and in school there was bullies so sometimes I’d have to fight the bullies eventually it got in deep in year nine, I wasn’t getting the latest trainers and I wasn’t gonna ask my mum for £100 to buy the latest trainers and that’s where I went with the wrong crowd, that’s where it started from. Eventually I ended up doing a lot of bad things which I’m not proud of…

Growing up made me more materialistic. Now I’m trying to snap out of it. I don’t have to have that. A mortgage, house, property, business, that’s more important than £1000 trainers… it’s only now I know…yeah.

The more materialistic stuff you get, you wanna get other things innit. It’s not only gonna be tracksuits and trainers for weeks. You want other things. Obviously you want a watch now and you gotta do more things outside. The pressure, it gets even more when you’re in that life. Start with something petty and then eventually you do something even worse.

I know it’s funny but prison ain’t come into my mind. I know it’s weird but I feel like…You know sometimes when you’re in something you can’t see nowhere out you just see this. Until it comes to you, then you realise, it hits you like “wow okay…”

I was just deluded in my own way thinking it ain’t gonna be me. Of course it’s gonna be you. It’s gonna be anyone who does things illegally you get what I mean?

I was fifteen when I first got arrested, that was in 2005. Yeah March. 2005. They mashed me up. Obviously I was trying to get away but they beat me up and they put me in the van and I went to the police station. I went prison a year after that for the same case, first offence, and I got twelve months for it when I was sixteen.

Obviously I hyped myself, gassed yourself whatever you wanna call it…anyone that tries it I’m just gonna fight straight away so… that’s my mentality but it wasn’t like that. I wouldn’t say it’s nice cause it’s prison but I was alright there.

I went to prison [when I was] sixteen, came out seventeen, I went back in seventeen, february 2007 and I came out 2016 and I went back 2019 and came out this year, in March.

It’s difficult, can’t lie. Very difficult. You have to be patient. I’m gonna tell you a fact. When I came out 2016, I got my parole, got my lifer, got released, I underestimated how hard it was gonna be. I was stick stuck when I was seventeen, I didn’t realise that. I was still stuck. Yeah I’m physically grown. But my mind was still young. I’m still phoning people that I left school with. I’m phoning them at 8am, and they’re saying “I’m at work, I’m a manager, I’ll phone you back later” and I’m thinking, when I’m in prison I’m reflecting “why’d I do that, that was just mad”. Then I realised I was still stuck. Cause my life stopped at seventeen. So its like… I felt I was chasing my youth.

The circumstances of everything that happened was actually self defence again, I keep saying, on the back foot all the time. But um…I didn’t agree with me stabbing the person but…there’s no but. I didn’t agree with me stabbing him. But the sentence was extreme. Very extreme. So yeah.

It was just that one time - it was literally one time that I carried a knife cause I’m good with my hands so it’s like I think that’s maybe why I fit in well cause I’m good with my hands and not scared. But it’s only when people’s got pitbulls, but I can’t fight a pitbull that’s got lockjaw. I’m a kid myself. It’s horrible. So I think that day, that’s the reason why I carried that knife. My intention was for the dog. People have the right intention but it always goes left when you carry a weapon and things like that. So it’s best not to carry it at all. Cause you’re gonna use it. Anything could happen innit?

If you’re comfortable in yourself, people could look in your eye and know okay no… just leave this one alone, I feel like he could carry himself well. People know…like bullies know like who to trouble and who not to trouble innit. So it’s important for the young kids to know how to defend themselves, you understand… I believe. If every kid know how to defend themselves that knife thing would fade away you get what I mean? If everyone knows like we could have it out, one on one, like back in the day, if you lose we shake hands, if not, I win and I feel okay in myself, it’s better than just carrying a weapon. All it takes is that one stabbing.

Especially when you’re doing boxing or martial arts there’s something discipline behind that, it makes you humble, or it makes you comfortable so you don’t feel like you need to do this to prove a point. You already know that…you are what you are.

When you do good deeds, those come back, it might not come now but it’ll come back later. If you do bad deeds, it’s gonna come back.So it’s like, a bit of the yin and yang. Positive and negative. You go with negative energy, negativity comes back.

I feel like in the prison system there’s still that stereotype. There’s always discrimination.

I don’t care what anyone says, I don’t care what the staff.. Facts, I can look at this screw, I spend one minute with him and you just know. and it’s not even me, it’s just my skin colour. It’s gonna happen. I’m in places like Newmarket, The Mount, and then you look at the population of officers, 98% of them is white. So you can just know… And they live in the local area and you know there’s no black people around there. So it’s facts like… You’re gonna be discriminated towards. Anything I ask you’re not gonna wanna help me, you understand?

And every people that are black they see the same thing that I see. It’s not just me. It’s other people that’s seeing it too. They know.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some decent officers there too. Just wanna help. It’s a bit of a mixture. Everywhere you go you’re gonna get ying and yang again again. You’re gonna get bad and good. It’s just sad that the majority of officers I’ve encountered was negative, you get what I mean. It was negative.

When you know what you want, it makes you more reserved.

Especially when you’re in prison, you get more disciplined. Cause you have to wait, whether you like it or not. I hate waiting but you just have to do it. Even putting in apps, I gotta headache, I need a paracetamol. I gotta put in a general app and it takes three weeks. So after three weeks, the app comes back. “You still want that paracetamol?” “Of course I don’t want it no more! My headache’s gone!” Or you gotta toothache and you gotta wait and it’s really horrible that was before COVID! I was doing 21 hours banged up, you get what I mean.. yeah… no visits.. Nothing. It was horrible. I just got through it training. Focused on myself. I knew it was a journey for now. So I was just focused on when I got outside.

I first converted / reverted in 2007 when I first went prison. It was one of my good friends from the area, innit. We was talking, talking, talking. And I was really looking to change my faith anyway. I’m just talking from myself… when I was going church, my mum was a typical Christian Nigerian lady, everyone would be in a trance or speaking in tongues but I didn’t get it. I never had that. So in my head I’m thinking, how come everyone’s going through this and I’ve never… Everyone is just putting money in the till, in the box. And I felt it was a business from a young age. It’s not for me. When I got certain questions I don’t get real clarity on the questions I’m asking. I looked into Islam and I felt like it was the right one for me. And it made me a better person, definitely. Even the way I deal with my mum I'm even more respectful and more honest with her with certain things. And I think that helped me mentally and physically. Made me more reserved.

Mental health. As a kid you probably laugh at someone that’s got mental health issues…acting weird. And then later on if life you go through that. There’s gonna be struggles innit. But I can’t wait. Definitely, I’m excited. Obviously I ain’t got a family of my own yet. There’s other things like that I need to tick, that are very important for me. It’s bigger than just me now… I wanna be a good role model for my niece and my nephew. I wanna be a better son, I wanna be a better man and I wanna be a better Muslim. So yeah….